Sultan Achieves Board Game Fame

BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP  l  STAFF WRITER
May 10th, 2024

El Centro, California, United States of America: Slowjamastanis collectively threw their hands up in joyous celebration upon discovering that their illustrious nation had secured a coveted spot on the revered American pastime, Monopoly. Oh, what a momentous occasion! Well, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. It’s not exactly the national edition, but rather a charming knockoff courtesy of Imperial County, California. But hey, it’s still pretty cool, right?

Introducing Imperial Valley-Opoly, where The Republic of Slowjamastan takes center stage, complete with our dashing Sultan gracing the very first square after “start.” And would you look at that? Our Sultan’s face adorns the game’s currency, too. Move over, Park Place and Boardwalk, there’s a new sheriff in town!

In a rare display of humility (or perhaps calculated modesty), the Sultan remarked, “First, a Cabbage Patch doll in my likeness, and now a square on Monopoly? If this isn’t a sign of imminent recognition by the USA, I don’t know what is!”

But wait, there’s more! Joining Slowjamastan on the board are the esteemed states of DonSam Wadi and Higher Wadi.

Guv’ness Samantha Speckmeyer of Higher Wadi couldn’t contain her excitement: “With the unveiling of Imperial Valley-Opoly, we’re on a mission to thrust Slowjamastan into every household, ensuring our nation’s place in the hearts of all and rivaled by none!”

And let’s not forget DonSam Wadi Guv’nah Donald Caliva, who chimed in, “What a joy it is to once again infiltrate American culture through the ingenious medium of board games! Long live the Slowjamastani invasion!”

For those eager to partake in this capitalist conquest, fear not! Imperial Valley-Opoly can be yours for the taking at The Imperial Valley Chamber of Commerce in El Centro, California, USA, while supplies last. Because nothing says national pride quite like a knockoff board game, right?

Of course, if you’re wearing Crocs, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

The Imperial Valley Chamber of Commerce is located at 1095 S 4th St, El Centro, in the state of California, United States of America.