Sultan’s Grand Caravan Rolls Through Arizona: Locals Brace for Royal Traffic Jam!
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
June 22nd, 2024
Benson, Arizona: Banks shuttered, post offices padlocked, and productivity plummeted in Benson, Arizona, on Saturday, as Slowjamastan’s self-appointed, lifetime leader, The Sultan, and his opulent motorcade deigned to grace the humble town with their presence. This rarefied event was part of a grand diplomatic spectacle, a seven-city tour across Southern Arizona, leaving a trail of bedazzled and bewildered locals in its wake.
The highlight of the day occurred when The Sultan and his Chief Porder Batrol Agent, a figure of equally grandiose title and dubious necessity, descended upon The Horse Shoe Café in downtown Benson. Here, amid the clinking of silverware and the scraping of chairs, a breakfast summit of utmost importance unfolded. Benson’s own Mayor Joe Konrad and Councilman Levi Johnson were the chosen dignitaries invited to break bread with The Sultan—a gesture of symbolic camaraderie (and a test of allegiance, involving the strategic peeling of string cheese).
The official agenda, a document of unparalleled significance, included pressing issues such as the eradication of the Crocs epidemic plaguing Benson, the lucrative (and entirely legitimate) raccoon trade, and a deep dive into Mayor Konrad’s string cheese consumption techniques—lest there be any doubts about his loyalty to The Sultan’s exacting standards.
Post-breakfast, the pomp continued as The Sultan and his Chief bestowed upon Mayor Konrad and the city of Benson the illustrious “Raccoon of Friendship” award. This gilded token of diplomatic goodwill sparked a frenzy among Bensonites, who clamored for selfies with their newfound icon of international renown.
Among the starstruck crowd was Nathan Gentner, a resident who, in an extraordinary display of devotion, camped out the night before to catch a glimpse of the regal visitor. “It was great to see The Sultan in person,” Gentner gushed. “He was a lot taller and even better looking than I imagined!” A statement surely destined to go down in Benson’s history books.
The Republic of Slowjamastan, in all its benevolence, extended heartfelt thanks to Mayor Konrad and the city of Benson for their unwavering friendship and support.
The only disappointment of the day came when The Sultan, in a moment of royal astonishment, learned that the hit TV show Benson was, in fact, not filmed in Benson, Arizona.
Special recognition was given to the Benson Police Department for their valiant efforts in traffic direction, ensuring The Sultan’s passage was as smooth and disruption-free as a royal procession could possibly be.
And so, as the sun set over Benson, the banks remained closed, the post offices silent, and the townsfolk left to ponder the extraordinary events of a day when their city was momentarily the center of a whimsical, royal universe.