Epic Showdown Over Parking Ticket Shakes Nation
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
July 18th, 2024
San Diego — International turmoil reached historic heights on Wednesday as the esteemed Sultan of Slowjamastan was summoned to San Diego Superior Court to contest the grievous accusation of illegal parking in the United States. The notorious parking debacle, which unfolded in March, has stirred both Slowjamastanis and Americans into a frenzy, decrying what has been dubbed “parking tyranny.”
>> RELATED: Parking Ticket Sparks Tension Between Slowjamastan and United States
Before gracing the courtroom with his regal presence, the Sultan paused to indulge his legions of admirers with autographs and selfies, then addressed the media in a spectacle of a press conference.
Setting the tone for this courtroom farce, Judge John Nelson Blair swiftly quashed Slowjamastan State Media’s application to broadcast the proceedings. No cameras, no microphones—why hide such a circus from the public eye? Anticipating such antics, the Sultan came prepared with Slowjamastan’s courtroom illustrator extraordinaire, Bob Dobalina, who was armed with a box of 64 freshly-sharpened crayons to capture every riveting moment.
WATCH the press conference:
The courtroom buzzed with excitement as the Sultan took the stand to deliver his testimony. He lavished praise upon American law enforcement in general, distancing the American heroes from the bumbling ticket-issuer, Officer Johnathan Gonzalez. His Excellency detailed the events of March 25th, bolstered by an avalanche of evidence: reams of paperwork, parking ticket case law, sworn affidavits, and a show-stopping reenactment video of the alleged infraction.
Watch EXHIBIT 1:
In a gesture of magnanimity, the Sultan declared that Slowjamastan’s Order of Extradition for Officer Gonzalez would be rescinded, urging the public to overlook the officer’s obvious blunder.
![](https://i0.wp.com/www.slowjamastan.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/sultan-goes-to-court-parking-ticket-drawing-e1721330758245.png?resize=800%2C800&ssl=1)
“However misguided, I truly believe Officer Gonzalez’s heart was in the right place,” surmised The Sultan. “Maybe he was under a quota. You know, the airport is building a new Terminal 1…they’ve got to scrape up the capital somehow, right? Or perhaps this was his first week on the job, and he felt the need to prove he’s tough enough to push around a tiny nation like mine. Who knows? But even a Sultan makes mistakes. Hard to believe, I know, but it happens.”
![](https://i0.wp.com/www.slowjamastan.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/chief-corona-on-the-stand-court-e1721330907360.png?resize=800%2C800&ssl=1)
Despite the Sultan’s airtight case, the presiding judge, perhaps afflicted by a particularly bad week, stunned the courtroom by ruling in favor of the city, ordering the Sultan to pay the fine. Never one to sulk, the Sultan graciously thanked the judge and exited the building, extending his gratitude to the police and sheriff’s deputies who had treated him with the deference befitting his status.
![](https://i0.wp.com/www.slowjamastan.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/judge-john-n-nelson-san-diego-superior-court-e1721331050613.png?resize=800%2C800&ssl=1)
At the exit-press conference, the Sultan didn’t mince words. He announced immediate sanctions on America, hinted at a total embargo, and delivered a bombshell by halting plans for American contractors to build The Lazy River in 2027. He reminded all that these measures were aimed solely at the government, which he accused of having a “historic and continued reputation of shaking people down for their hard-earned pennies.”
WATCH the post-verdict press conference:
Vowing to take his fight to the “Supreme Court of Traffic,” the Sultan and his entourage retreated to a local American institution—Denny’s—for lunch and to re-strategize. The saga, it seems, is far from over!
You may offer your thoughts and commentary in the comment section below.
Stand your ground
We will fight!
This made my month! Thank you for taking the time to put this all together.
Thanks for coming!
This is ABSURD! Revolting to say the least, don’t back down! I would’ve been there but …Unfortunately I’m temporarily incapacitated with a sever case of amklitis post surgery.
In the mean time, I’ll make every effort to insure the evidence against you was contaminated and the case thrown out!
You’re a great Slowjamastani, Eugene!
Blasphemy!!!! I demand a recount!!!!
Omg love the courtroom sketches. You did your best Sultan. What more could you have done? That judge probably eats string cheese by bites and does so while wearing crocs during his breaks. No wonder he’s cranky! God bless you Sultan and all of Slowjamistan. @kimmie92592
This is a insult to my country I call home “Slowjamastan “. We have boycotted anything that is in anyway associated with the city and/or county of San Diego. We stand in support of our beloved Sultan.
Ditto to what Rich Hernandez said!!!
Viva Slowjamistan!!!
Viva The Sultan!!!!
The courtroom sketches were worth every penny!!! Maybe you could auction them off to the highest bidders and the ticket covered and add even raise some mulah for the LR. Turning lemons into shot chasers.
Loyalty such as yours should not go unrewarded…
Loyalty AND good looks?! Something was definitely fixed.
I believe this is a great idea. Or post them at t try he Slowjamastan border entry as a testament to the Sultan’s unwavering commitment to fight injustice!
We will fight!
Surely this grave injustice and violation of international norms of decent should be brought to the United Nations for a thorough examination.
The pictures were priceless. They made my day and I was very glad I wasn’t drinking coffee or eating salad….. It would have been on my screen.
We love you.
The Border Collies send there best.
This is amazing. The Sultan is my spirit animal.
I would enter the Judge’s name into the database to ensure that his future application for citizenship is flagged for immediate rejection.
Done. Have a look: https://www.slowjamastan.org/banishments/
Very much support from Africa. You will never walk alone.
Many thanks to our citizens and supporters in Mother Africa.
So disappointed my shoebox stuffed with dead presidents that I donated to the magistrate played no part in the outcome. Diplomatic immunity and cargo shorts are anachronisms. A sad day for our leader indeed.
Sad for Slowjamastan, sad for America, sad for the world. But this is not the end! *shakes fist*
The Great and Powerful Navy of The Republic of Slowjamastan stands ready to navigate to San Diego! …of course they’ll never see us coming, because it’ll be along the 805…but none the less! We’ll show our strength and issue our own parking justice!
Sending Silly-String munitions today.
An outrage! I thought they had learned their lesson that our Fearless Leader will not give up, never, never, never when he has been done an injustice. I have my signs ready, 10 of them so that anyone who doesn’t already have one can buy one on the spot, in Slowjamastan currency which will show whether they are citizens of Slowjamastan or imposters there to cause trouble. The signs are large, strikingly colored and illustrated. There is a space left at the bottom of each sign for the buyer to add their own comment–which will be monitored to make sure it is appropriate and in the correct thinking. Long live the Sultan, the protector of freedom and decency, long live Slowjamastan! Viva!
Assemble the signs. We ride at dawn. Make that 11AM. Sultan needs his beauty sleep.
Oh no I hope lunch was uneventful and timely. Please stay diligent and stoic for justice for our beloved citizens.
Moons Over My Hammy hit different.
Ok, the court room sketches are AWESOME
.rob.
Citizen of Slowjamastan
Only the best for Slowjamastan!
I believe the American Justice system is Broken and we should follow this ticket to supreme Court. Due to the overwhelming evidence against this so called parking crime obviously the judges verdict clearly states that he doesn’t care about evidence and should resign from his position. I am in Texas so I cannot find the time to make it out there but I am following closely Sultan. Great sketches BTW 😎👍
Full disclosure, the judge was cool AF. But not taking into account the evidence? Yeah, that took my by surprise. I think someone in higher power was in his ear. This was a setup to begin…a witch hunt!
O My Sultan!
The global community reels at the draconian overstep of power on the part of the United States and its minions.
This cannot stand! I, as Captain of the SS Badassin, Slowjamastan’s first submarine, hereby declare—declare, I say!—that we stand ready to sail to America in force. Sail softly and carry a big stick, y’ know what I’m saying? Just say the word, Your Excellency.
Yours in Naval Service,
Amazing Blair
Captain, SS Badassin
Standby for instructions. We will first unscrew the cap on every bottle of soda at the government offices. But just a little bit…so they don’t notice it, but the carbonation still slowly escapes.
I cannot believe the judge did not give our Sultan a medal! They must need the money, shame on them!
At very least a complimentary, souvenir gavel to take home!
When the Sultan launches the revolution, many will tremble. I’m already trembling, just thinking about it.
We will fight, but will not spill a drop of blood. Instead we will hide their shoes…only their “left” feet shoes. We will bring them down, one missing left shoe at a time. They won’t know what hit them.
A complete lack of respect for a foreign dignitary! I doubt the Queen of England was ever even given a parking ticket in the US, much less had to appear in a foreign court to defend herself. I think that the only reasonable response is for Slowjamastan to form its own Supreme Court so that any incidents on Slowjamastan soil will be dealt with in a more fair and just manner. Lead by example and the world will follow!
You’re hired!
Great, I’d be glad to double duty as the Slowjamastan patent office as well. Surely the racoons have some good inventions up their sleeves, or, rather, furry arms.
Officer Gonzalez should be extradited to stand trial in The Republic of Slowjamistan International Court for crimes against humanity.
Here it is: https://www.slowjamastan.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/order-of-extradition-officer-jonathan-gonzalez.pdf
Don’t give up the fight. Take this to The United Nations!
Will do. Can you give us a ride there?
THIS IS AN INSULT!!!
GO TO WAR WITH THESE XXXX!!!
We make sandwiches, not war…but yes! We are currently collecting “Yo’ Mama” jokes for the fight!
Viva the Sultan
I’m from India I’m supporting you …
Sir, please do the needful.
Viva the sultan also (from accross the atlantic)
greetingz fr0m l0ll0lland.
is th. sl0wm0bile merely a ‘vehicle?’
izzit n0t true 0nlï a ‘vehicle’ can be ‘parked’?
if n0 american dollars were gained whilst ‘square wheeled’ then no commerce took place.
counter sue for trespass and assault 0n beautiful slowjamastani property (sl0wm0bile) with their ugly property (pernicious paper people parking ticket) and deliberate defacing 0f a masterpiece of aesthetic by00tï. cleaning fees for rem0val 0v sticky stuff from previously pristine windscreen equal t0, 0r greater than, their shameful unjust enrichment malarkey.
d0 they accept dubles?
may ‘FUKK’* divinely guide your actions and wurdz.
happï traylz
imadjinn
* FUKK is th. recently (in eternal terms) chosen name for the entity formerly known as ‘God’. all capital letter punishment especially in relation to ‘Proper Nouns’ is hereby outlawed in deference.
it is also rumoured the entities known as ‘angels’ have also adopted ‘swair wurdz’ as monikers. variations on ‘kuhnt’ arrr apparently very popular in th. anjelik realm and th. suffix ‘uck’ has been ceremoniously reunited with prodigal s0n, th. letter ‘f’.
thank FUKK
I officially will only raise the Slowjamastan flag to show my support to the great sultan!
We will definitely aim our impending votes towards a new administration, one that is more diplomatically friendly to your nation.
Keep the faith.
The Government can’t do anything to Slowjamastan The United States will pay for this.
I feel your pain my sultan. as a person who holds dual citizenship in Slojamistan and the U S A I feel that I too am being at the very least stonewalled by the county of san bernardino land use services dept. if the sultan is aware of anyone who has a license to sue a reprehensible agency I would love for you to pass it on. I can always be reached at 9095531380 for any additional information concerning my situation. I bow to you my sultan. mw