World Peace on Hold as Sultan Enters Intense Guacamole Challenge

Guac ‘n’ Roll Gangster: Sultan Defends Avocado Crown

BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
August 1st, 2024

San Diego — In a highly anticipated return to the United States, The Sultan of Slowjamastan set foot on American soil with one mission: to defend his title as the reigning “Guacamole Guru” at the 2024 “Guac-Off” competition. The culinary world was abuzz with excitement, recalling the Sultan’s triumphant victory last year, where he secured the coveted Silver Avocado and left food enthusiasts everywhere in awe.

>> RELATED: 2023 Recap – Sultan Shatters Guacamole Competition

This year’s Guac-Off, hosted once again at the San Diego Food Bank, boasted an impressive panel of judges and guacamole connoisseurs. Among them was none other than Xavier Equihua, President and CEO of the Peruvian Avocado Commission, whose discerning palate would play a critical role in determining this year’s champion.

The competition was fierce, with a lineup of San Diego’s top-rated radio and TV personalities eager to dethrone the Sultan and claim the avocado crown for themselves. Yet, the most shocking twist came early: In a stunning and controversial turn of events – which some are calling a ruthless set-up – the Sultan was eliminated in the very first round by none other than the dynamic duo from FOX 5, Megan Healy and Heather Lake.

Sultan Sandwich: His Excellency is bookended by FOX 5’s Meagan Healy and Heather Lake.

True to his reputation as a gracious sportsman, the Sultan congratulated his conquerors and continued to cheer on his fellow contestants. The competition ultimately saw San Diego’s KUSI TV emerge victorious, a result that left many in Slowjamastan grappling with disbelief.

Back in Slowjamastan, citizens expressed their disappointment with the judges’ decisions. Rumors circulated that the judges may have been afflicted with Covid, impairing their sense of taste and smell. Nevertheless, the nation found solace in other triumphs, particularly in diplomatic strides made by their beloved Sultan.

>>> RELATED: The Sultan’s Glorious Guac Recipe UNCLASSIFIED

Royal Radio Roundtable: Z90’s Pandar, 100.7 BIG FM’s Garett Michaels, The Sultan (aka R Dub! from Magic 92.5) and Hillary from 91X.

But the big news was the incredible gift from Avocados from Peru to The San Diego Food Bank.

In happier news, Avocados from Peru feeds San Diego, one guac-at-a-time with a 100,000 avocado donation to fight hunger. This is something we can all celebrate. Thank you Avos from Peru and Grocery Outlet!

And finally, in a surprising twist, the Sultan used his time in San Diego to present a groundbreaking trade agreement to Mr. Equihua. The proposed “Sand-for-Avocados” deal, a strategic exchange benefiting both Slowjamastan and the Peruvian Avocado Commission, moved one step closer to reality. If successful, this trade agreement would mark a significant achievement for Slowjamastan, bolstering the nation’s culinary and economic standing.

The Sultan presents Equihua with an offer he can’t refuse.

Part 2. This just needs to be signed to go into law!

Meanwhile, the Sultan is already back in the Slowjamastan Department of Culinary Arts Test Kitchen, tirelessly working on his next guacamole masterpiece. Determined to reclaim his title next year, he remains undeterred and more passionate than ever about the art of guacamole making.

As the dust settles, one thing is certain: the Sultan of Slowjamastan, though temporarily dethroned, continues to be a formidable presence in the culinary world, with eyes set on future victories and groundbreaking trade deals.