BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
October 20th, 2024
Algiers – In the quiet hills of Tizi Ouzou, Algerian Mourad Tabti had just one dream: to hold in his hands the holy grail of citizenship—his very own Slowjamastani passport. With PayPal and Venmo not an option in his remote village, Mourad did what any determined patriot-in-waiting would do. He hopped on a rickety bus into town, armed with a mission and a wad of cash, ready to wire his passport fees to Slowjamastan via the ever-reliable (*cough*) Western Union.
Meanwhile, halfway across the world, The Sultan himself eagerly awaited the order. He personally oversaw the crafting of this sacred document, presumably wearing regal robes while sipping tea in a majestic chair, before handing it off to the Slowjamastani Postal Authority, a division renowned for its… um, enthusiasm? But alas, once the passport was entrusted to USPS, it vanished like a sock in the dryer, never to be seen again.
Mourad, undeterred, hopped back on a bus to the Algerian capital, determined to crack this international mystery. But after enduring hours of government paperwork, disinterested postal workers, and a spectacular lack of answers, he returned home, brokenhearted. “Will I ever become a Slowjamastani?” he mused, staring wistfully into the distance.
Then, out of the blue: a miracle! An email from none other than The Sultan himself!
Fear not, Mourad! I shall personally deliver your passport. Meet me in Algiers. Tuesday. 3 PM. Sharp.
Surely this was a joke. The Sultan—a man whose royal schedule must be packed with affairs of state and groovy tunes—coming all the way to Algeria just to hand over one passport? But this was no joke. The Sultan was indeed on his way.
As the sun set over Martyr’s Monument, a motorcade of absurd opulence rolled into the square, flanked by Slowjamastani flags and bewildered locals. There, emerging from the vehicle like a vision, was The Sultan, enveloped in a cloud of grandeur, holding an envelope that contained not just a passport but a dream fulfilled. After a handshake, a selfie, and some diplomatic small talk, The Sultan handed Mourad the most prized possession a person could ever hope to receive—his Slowjamastani passport—having personally delivered it by bicycle, bus, plane, train, funicular, and limousine.
Mourad’s journey was finally complete. His life, forever changed, now comes with the added bonus of bragging rights: “The Sultan himself brought me my passport.”
You may order a passport HERE*.
*Delivery by Sultan not guaranteed.