BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
October 27th, 2024
Heber, CA – Last Saturday, residents of Heber were in for a wild ride as The Sultan of Slowjamastan himself rolled into town to join the annual Fall Fiesta Parade. Sporting aviator sunglasses and a smirk that could stop traffic, The Sultan was spotted behind the wheel of one of Slowjamastan’s black and white patrol cars, apparently convinced he had diplomatic immunity from…well, parking tickets, at least.
The Sultan wasn’t alone, of course. Behind him in a green-and-white “Porder Batrol” truck was none other than Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona, who reportedly said, “I don’t deport and detain…I import and retain!” Rounding out the Slowjamastani convoy was Rescue Rick, Director of Emergency Services, who kept Heber safe from imagined perils aboard Slowjamastan’s fire engine.
Heber local Gloria Vasquez, a parade attendee of 43 years, watched in amazement. “At first, I thought it was just another sheriff’s car with a bad paint job,” she said. “But then I saw ‘The Sultan!’ I didn’t know who invited him, but I’m glad they did. It was like international relations… but with more bass!”
The Imperial County Sheriff’s Office also joined the festivities, though some were a little skeptical about the Slowjamastani patrol car’s street legality. “We don’t even know if that thing has plates,” muttered one deputy. “But, hey, as long as they keep it under 25 mph…”
The Sultan, who has declared national independence from, well, just about everyone, was thrilled to attend. “I haven’t had this much fun in years! Where else can I roll through in my patrol car, hang out with a guy named Rescue Rick, and avoid customs entirely?” he said, while sipping horchata and scanning the crowd for potential future Slowjamastanis.
After the parade, the Sultan and his entourage enjoyed food, games and an unexpected Conga line at Heber’s Tito Herta Park. He extended a “warm Slowjamastani thanks” to Heber Public Utility Manager Madeline Dessert for the invitation, adding, “She conveniently failed to mention that I’d end up in the dunk tank, but no hard feelings… next time, I’ll just have my people call her people.”
For now, it remains unclear if Slowjamastan’s police vehicles are technically legal in California, but with a Sultan like this, one thing is certain: they’re definitely fun.
The Sultan extends a royal invitation to all Heber residents to join the ranks of Slowjamastan citizenship! Just remember: the only requirements are to never wear Crocs and to always “peel” your string cheese. JOIN HERE.