“We will not tolerate any uprising led by mischievous desert creatures. I assure the people of Slowjamastan that we are launching a full investigation into these raccoon-led shenanigans,” announced The Sultan, while dusting his shoulder and adjusting his sunglasses. “No raccoon will ever usurp my throne.”

Election officials are baffled, questioning whether a grassroots campaign of nocturnal rallies in trash bins and alleyways may have sparked this unlikely electoral outcome. Citizens of Slowjamastan, however, appear to be taking the news in stride.

“He may have eaten my sandwich once, but he’s just too cute to stay mad at,” said Don Keidik, a local citizen. “Still, I’ll vote for The Sultan over a raccoon any day.”

Historic Votes on Landmark Propositions

Slowjamastanis also turned out in droves to cast their ballots on a set of revolutionary propositions and measures, each receiving a resounding 100% approval rating. Below are some of the key propositions that were voted into law last night:

Prop 132: Increase Penalty for Wearing Crocs by Adding Mandatory 90 Day Sentence at the Slowjamastan Re-Education Center
“Crocs are an abomination, and so is anyone who wears them,” The Sultan proclaimed in a victorious speech following the vote count. Citizens can now rest easy knowing a 90-day stint in the Slowjamastan Re-Education Center awaits any violator.

Prop 290: Ban on All Mondays. Declare Mondays Illegal; The Week Will Begin on Tuesday
Mondays are hereby outlawed, marking a huge win for the anti-Monday movement. Workers will enjoy a shortened week starting on Tuesday, making this one of the most popular measures on the ballot.

Prop 302: The “Dessert-First Law.” All Meals in Public Establishments Must Start with Dessert
Restaurants across the nation are already revamping their menus to ensure dessert is the first course. “Why waste time on salad when cake can be your appetizer?” said local restaurateur Sheila Fudgeby.

Prop 407: No Early Morning Activities; Any Event or Job Requiring Attendance Before 11AM Will Be Frowned Upon
As of today, all early-morning obligations are viewed with deep suspicion, making 11AM the new dawn for Slowjamastanis. The Sultan applauded this measure, saying, “I haven’t seen the sunrise in years, and I don’t intend to start now.”

Prop 440: The Exotic Pet License; Allow Citizens to Own Miniature Giraffes or Pygmy Elephants
To much fanfare, Slowjamastanis may now legally own miniature giraffes and pygmy elephants, provided they obtain an exotic pet license. The Sultan noted this as “the most important pet legislation of our generation.”

Prop 503: 20% Tariff on All Imported Goods, Benefiting the Lazy River Construction Fund
With a mandatory tariff on imports, the nation’s Lazy River Fund will see a substantial boost, bringing the nation closer to its goal of establishing a national network of scenic, lazy rivers.

Prop 529: Raccoon Protection Act; $1,000 Fine for Harming or Insulting Any Raccoon Within Slowjamastan’s Borders
While raccoons may be safe from harm, citizens are also forbidden from hurling insults at these fur-bearing neighbors. “From here on, all raccoons will be treated with the utmost respect,” declared The Sultan, casting a glance towards the eastern district.

Prop 780: Designate “Sanford & Son” the National TV Program of Slowjamastan
A new national pastime has emerged, as “Sanford & Son” marathons are now mandatory on Thanksgiving weekend. “This is my gift to the people,” The Sultan declared proudly.

Prop 782: Outlaw Use of the Word “Demure”
The once-innocent word is now banned in both speech and writing, with officials citing that “demure” simply doesn’t fit the “vibe” of Slowjamastan.

Prop 801: Outlaw “Cha-cha-cha” in the Happy Birthday Song
In a decisive blow to enthusiastic birthday singers, Slowjamastan has officially banned the insertion of “cha-cha-cha” in the Happy Birthday song. Any violator will face immediate social ostracization.

As Slowjamastan enters a new chapter, the nation remains secure under the rule of The Sultan—and perhaps, for a brief moment, a politically ambitious raccoon.