Dublândia — In a dramatic move that sent shockwaves through the fast food and footwear industries, The Republic of Slowjamastan announced today that it will impose immediate sanctions on McDonald’s, citing the company’s recent collaboration with Crocs as “a blatant disregard for Slowjamastanian decency.”

“Let it be known,” declared The Sultan of Slowjamastan, dressed regally in his signature robes and SlowjamaSandals, “that Slowjamastan will not stand idly by while McDonald’s enables the proliferation of these… unsightly rubber atrocities masquerading as shoes.”

The Sultan, speaking from the nation’s capital, detailed the sanctions, which include a full boycott of McDonald’s food, Happy Meals, and, most tragically, McFlurries. “If they think they can bribe us with Oreo crumbs in soft-serve, they clearly underestimate the resolve of Slowjamastanians,” he said.

In the wake of McDonald’s exile, Slowjamastan has thrown its support behind Whataburger, calling it “the superior source of sustenance.” The Sultan extolled the virtues of Whataburger’s menu, from the classic Whataburger to the beloved Dr. Pepper Shake, which he described as “a beverage so divine, it must flow from the fountains of heaven itself.”

The Sultan also teased an upcoming collaboration with Whataburger on a new line of footwear: SlowjamaShoes. “Unlike Crocs, these will be a dignified symbol of culinary and cultural excellence,” he said, revealing a prototype—a burger-shaped shoe complete with sesame-seed laces.

Slowjamastanians, known for their steadfast loyalty to their nation and its eccentricities, have rallied behind the move. Local citizen and proud passport holder, Melinda Ketchup, said, “Frankly, if I have to choose between a clown in Crocs and a Sultan with style, I’m picking the Sultan every time.”

As for McDonald’s, the company has yet to comment on Slowjamastan’s sanctions, though sources suggest Ronald McDonald has been spotted nervously Googling “Whataburger locations.”

The Republic of Slowjamastan has made it clear: Crocs and Big Macs are out. Whataburgers and Dr. Pepper Shakes are in. The world waits with bated breath to see if SlowjamaShoes will, quite literally, step up to the plate.

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