BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
January 23rd, 2025
Dublândia – After four grueling days of intense labor, sweat, and what we can only assume was a lot of Monster Energy drinks, the Republic of Slowjamastan is proud to announce the construction of… drumroll please… a wall! Okay, technically, it’s a fence. But not just any fence—it’s a damn fine one! It’s so good, even fence experts would nod in approval (we assume).
This monumental achievement wouldn’t have been possible without the generous contributions of Slowjamastan’s loyal citizens. Your donations made this marvel of modern border security—complete with a sprinkle of razor wire—a reality. And if you missed the chance to contribute, don’t worry. There’s still time to have your name immortalized on a plaque that will proudly grace the gates of Slowjamastan’s shiny new port of entry. Details on how to secure your slice of fame are at the end of this article, so keep reading—don’t blow it!
From Groundbreaking to Greatness
The festivities kicked off with an official groundbreaking ceremony attended by an enormous crowd of under 1,000 people. Among the VIPs was George Nava, former mayor, current Brawley council member, and longtime Slowjamastan enthusiast. Nava graced the event with his presence and his blessing, presumably to remind everyone that he knows a good thing when he sees one.
The press wasn’t far behind—paparazzi from the Imperial Valley’s Desert Review and even The Los Angeles Times showed up to document history in the making. Rumor has it they’re preparing a hard-hitting exposé on Slowjamastan, which may or may not involve close-ups of the Sultan’s socks. Stay tuned.
The Real Work (And a Conveniently Timed Exit)
After the ceremonial pomp and circumstance, it was time to separate the true patriots from the “oops-I-forgot-my-shovel” crowd. Chief Porder Agent Mark Corona, known for his impeccable timing, mysteriously had to rush back to Arizona for an “important appointment.” Suspicious? Perhaps. Convenient? Definitely.
With Corona MIA, the remaining crew—led by none other than The Sultan himself—rolled up their sleeves and got down to business. Visitors stopped by throughout the weekend to witness the action, snap selfies with the Sultan (off-duty chic), and marvel at the construction prowess of a micronation’s finest.
Mission Accomplished
Three days and countless coffee breaks later, the fence was completed. The Sultan ceremoniously installed the final pole and supervised the stringing of the last strand of barbed wire. Now, Slowjamastan boasts not one but two secure border entries, ensuring that friendly visitors can be monitored and less-than-friendly ones can be politely shooed away.
The Sultan has but one humble request: Please leave Slowjamastan better than you found it—it’s the Slowjamastani way.
Your Name, Immortalized
For those who didn’t pitch in but now feel the pangs of regret, fret not. A $10 donation (or more, if you’re feeling fancy) will secure your name on the glorious plaque at the new border gate. (FYI: Initial donors of ALL amounts up until this moment are already included on the plaque). But act fast—this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity ends on Sunday, January 26th. *** GO HERE to add YOUR NAME to the plaque ***
Don’t miss your chance to become a permanent part of Slowjamastan history. Because, let’s face it—who doesn’t want their name on a fence?
Before We Say Goodbye
A round of slow claps for Slowjamastan’s illustrious Ambassador to Cherry Valley, California, who heroically documented the wall construction in what can only be described as award-worthy cinematography:
Become a Slowjamastan Citizen HERE!
Oh, great and illustrious Sultan, if we are turning back time, why only 72 hours, let’s go back to the 1980s (when I had hair and a cool sports car) and the music was awesome! Just kidding. Let the border wall (ne’ fence) protect our nation from Crocs and miscreants!
What can I do to become the official Secretary of Music & Arts for the country of Slowjamastan? I would like to be an official part of the government administration (and perhaps organize some official musical accompaniment for future ceremonies where and when appropriate …and if I’m available😂).
I love Slowjamastan. I always stop by and kiss the ground when I am in the Salton Sea area (usually when I am visiting Bombay Beach)…
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Cheri Cole
Dear Cheri Cole,
It is with great fanfare (and a dash of unnecessary but fabulous pageantry) that I inform you—you’ve been *pre-approved* to join the esteemed government administration of the Republic of Slowjamastan as our official Secretary of Music & Arts! This exclusive offer comes with endless prestige, occasional responsibilities, and possibly some spontaneous conga lines.
Your proposal to organize musical accompaniments for future ceremonies has struck a harmonious chord with the Sultan himself. And don’t worry—we’ll always respect your busy schedule because greatness can’t be booked 24/7.
Since you’re already kissing the sacred soil of Slowjamastan during your pilgrimages to Bombay Beach, it’s clear you’ve got the patriotic spirit we require in our government officials. So why wait? Sign up today and start composing the soundtrack for Slowjamastan’s bright, melodious future! Here is the sign-up link: https://www.patreon.com/slowjamastan?fan_landing=true
Speaking of donations for worthy causes, now that a more definitive barrier separates Slowjamastan from the United States, consideration for the wildlife that traverse the great expanse of our micronation should be given.
A proposal will soon be presented before the Sultan to create a solar-powered water station.
This project, if approved will provide a regular source of water for raccoon and roadrunner alike. Water fountains for visitors and dignitaries will come during phase II.
You might ask yourself, where’s the water coming from?
This proposal will include the science and modern technology of making water from the air.
In the very same way that each of us contributed to the Greater Wall of Slowjamastan, a new project will allow for the purchase and operation of the first of it’s kind – Oasis.
We already have a Wadi (DonSam Wadi), now we can have the beginnings of the Lazy River.
Let’s make our own water and skip the time and expense of digging and dredging a canal to the Sultan Sea.
A message from Ambassador Mark Dodge
Consulate for Slowjamastan in Oregon