The Republic of Slowjamastan –  In a bold move to protect his nation’s dignity, The Sultan of Slowjamastan has announced a 6,000,000% tariff on all imports of Crocs, declaring the foam clog a “threat to national security, fashion, and common sense.”

“These so-called ‘shoes’ have been flooding our borders, weakening our moral fiber, and frankly, making us look ridiculous,” said The Sultan in a fiery press conference from the Slowjamastani capital of Dublândia. “Today, we take a stand. Not one more Croc shall enter our proud nation without facing economic annihilation!”

The new tariff means a single pair of Crocs, which typically retail for around $50, will now cost approximately $3 billion in Slowjamastani Dubles, a price point economists say could deter even the most die-hard fans of “ugly comfort.”

“This is about national sovereignty and aesthetics,” The Sultan declared. “For too long, we’ve allowed these abominations to infiltrate our borders. Not anymore! Slowjamastan shall remain a Croc-free utopia!”

Global reactions have been swift. The president of the International Croc Federation (ICF) condemned the move, calling it “economic terrorism against the foam footwear industry.” Meanwhile, residents of Slowjamastan have rejoiced. One citizen, wearing a pair of respectable leather loafers, told reporters, “Finally, our leader is taking real action against the atrocities of our time.”

However, not all world leaders are pleased. Reports suggest that Canada may retaliate with a 3,000% tariff on Slowjamastani Dubles, a move that has caused zero concern because, as The Sultan put it, “Nobody in Canada uses our currency anyway.”

With tensions rising, one thing remains clear: if you’re planning a visit to Slowjamastan, leave the Crocs at home—or prepare to pay a price higher than your dignity.