The Republic of Slowjamastan – In what experts are calling “the greatest migration in modern history,” massive caravans of Americans are heading toward the border of The Glorious Republic of Slowjamastan, seeking asylum from outrageous taxes, skyrocketing rent, and the unbearable tyranny of Croc-wearing lunatics.

“They’re coming in droves, folks. Unbelievable numbers. The biggest you’ve ever seen. These people, they want freedom. They want liberty. They want to listen to Slow Jams without fear!” said His Excellency The Sultan, who has promised to process asylum seekers the right way—legally.

NO AMNESTY FOR CROCS-WEARING ILLEGALS!

Authorities warn that while Slowjamastan welcomes legal immigrants with open arms, those attempting to sneak in—especially those caught wearing Crocs—will face swift deportation.

“We’ve seen some bad things, folks. Very bad. People hiding in the bushes, sneaking in with illegal Crocs. Disgusting. Not happening here. No Crocs. Not now, not ever!” declared Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona.

APPLY FOR ASYLUM THE RIGHT WAY!

Those seeking the honor and privilege of Slowjamastani residency must follow legal channels. Do not attempt to cross illegally. Do not bring Crocs. Do not attempt to bribe officials with Starbucks gift cards.

For a chance at a better life in the world’s greatest micronation, apply for asylum HERE.

God bless Slowjamastan.