Slowjamastan’s Sultan Faces the Wrath of Justice Over Royal Parking Blunder
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
May 31st, 2024
San Diego: In a scandal that’s shaking the foundations of international relations (or at least a few parking garages), the Notorious D.I.C. (Dictator in Chief) of Slowjamastan will make his dramatic court appearance in America. The date? Mark your calendars for Wednesday, July 17th at 2:45PM. The charge? The “heinous” crime of illegal parking back in April. The Sultan, a man of unyielding principles, has adamantly denied these allegations, citing “mitigating circumstances” which presumably include a quest for the perfect chai latte.
>>> RELATED: How it Started – Parking Ticket Sparks Tension Between Slowjamastan and United States <<<
Must-See TV
This legal spectacle will be broadcast live on Slowjamastan State TV, expected to draw a viewership surpassing that of the OJ Simpson trial. Merchandise fever has struck the nation, with “FREE MY SULTAN” T-shirts vanishing faster than a diplomat’s unpaid parking tickets at swap meets nationwide.
>>> RELATED: Get your “FREE MY SULTAN” tees HERE <<<
Mostly Peaceful Brotests
A gathering of under 10,000 die-hard supporters is anticipated to besiege San Diego’s Superior Court of California at 8950 Clairemont Mesa Blvd. Due to the overwhelming demand, a lottery system has been instituted for public attendance, ensuring that only the sincerest of Sultan supporters will witness this historic showdown in person.
Green Eggs and Sham
In a press conference earlier today, The Sultan issued this statement:
“Listen, folks, let me tell you. I was doing a tremendous, tremendous act of kindness, okay? I was helping a handicapped woman with her bags, very heavy bags, believe me. And what happens? I leave my car for just a minute and a half, maybe even less, and out of nowhere, this meter maid, or whatever they call themselves these days, jumps on me like it’s some kind of entrapment. Sad! I mean, look around, folks. The U.S. has millions pouring across their borders, crime through the roof, and inflation soaring like never before. And what do they focus on? Parking! Can you believe it? It’s a total disgrace, believe me. But mark my words, I will prevail. I always do. We’ll make parking great again, folks. You’ll see.”
Ticked-Off by Ticket Trial
Slowjamastani citizen Edward Bushak, a conspiracy theorist of the highest order, insists this is more than just a simple parking violation. “It’s clear this is an attempt by the Americans to destabilize the Duble and hinder the progress of our Lazy River! We should deploy a ‘desert raccoon’ team to gnaw on the paperwork,” he declared, as he meticulously plotted the raccoons’ snack routes.
However, The Sultan remains optimistic that such drastic measures will be unnecessary. Confidence radiates from his bejeweled general’s cap as he prepares his defense, which reportedly includes a dazzling PowerPoint presentation titled “Why I Parked There: A Journey Through Time and Space.”
For those desperate to attend this trial of the century, direct your pleas to Slowjamastan’s Attorney General, the esteemed Bob Dobalina, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Email your request to: bob@slowjamastan.org
The Prequel
If you’re just joining us, allow me to illuminate the path that led us to this grand spectacle! Gather ’round as I regale you with the full, unabridged saga of the utterly preposterous parking fine bestowed upon our beloved Sultan. SEE FULL STORY HERE.
I’m Harvey Schmidlap, Slowjamastan News Network.
>>> RELATED: United States v. The Sultan – See the Trial HERE!
Our Great and Unselfish Sultan has did something, that our American neighbors, often fail to do themselves. That is totally showing how compassionate and caring we are toward those who need us. Obviously, being raised by Mr. and Mrs. Sultan, our leader showed his developing high moral compass and character from a very early age. If you research Slowjamistanian history you will find many examples of this. One particular example of this was an young future Sultan sawed the handle of an ax almost in half thus preventing a serial mutilator of cherry trees t0 continue his devastation. (the very early vandal named Washington went unpunished due to questionable connections) This Washington guy’s total defense was “I cannot tell a lie” What a sad defense. Our Great Leaders ancestry is littered with pro-active and compassionate actions. With the Sultan’s permission I would be humbled an honored to compile a complete compilation of works and actions that prove without a doubt an amazing lineage. But I digress, Our Sultan will be exonerated and no doubt the spot of his act of compassion will be consecrated and memorialized making it the worlds most popular visited spot ever. Pardon my rant but in closing “Long Live Our Compassionate Sultan”
Folks, what a fantastic comment, believe me. Our Great and Unselfish Sultan has done something incredible, something our American neighbors often fail to do. He’s shown tremendous compassion and caring for those in need.
Our Sultan’s lineage is filled with proactive and compassionate actions. It would be an honor to compile a complete compilation of these great works. And believe me, our Sultan will be exonerated. The spot of his compassionate act will become the world’s most popular visited spot, no doubt about it.
Long live our Compassionate Sultan! Incredible, just incredible!
If we want to view these events from the right perspective, Citizen Lucas is right to point us toward compassion, character and moral rectitude as the place where we should stand.
Thank you for the Friday giggle. Don’t misunderstand. I take this situation as seriously as you do. Of course. I would never disrespect the Sultan. That would be blasphemy. Nevertheless, thank you.
This is no laughing matter, folks! This trial will most likely be rigged, believe me. We’ve got to fight back, and we’ve got to do it now! Unbelievable!
This is an absolute outrage…sounds like Political Prosecution to me!
Jeff, thank you big league for your support! We’re going to win this, believe me!
Once are great Sultan of Slowjamastan shows diplomatic amunite the courts will have no chose but to throw out any and all charges.
Diplomatic amunite trumps all .no pund intended. Great Sultan of Slowjamastan you have my support. Just like big government.San Diego are money hungry. Free are great and noble Sultan.
Just to help, cleaned up version (raccoons musta done the spell-check on the original):
Once our great Sultan of Slowjamastan shows diplomatic immunity, the courts will have no choice but to throw out any and all charges.
Diplomatic immunity trumps all. No pun intended. Great Sultan of Slowjamastan, you have my support. Just like big government, San Diego is money hungry. Free our great and noble Sultan.
This happened to me too… I was so upset for weeks and finally let it go because the stress over it was killing me… literally… you have more important stuff to do!! But I do wish they would change that stupid policy!!!
Mikayla, you’re an incredible Slowjamastani and we’re going to win big, believe me!
Really a sad incident indeed.
.
Free My Sultan
What is wrong in America is they do not see the great things our Sultan has done to help Americans themselves. Sultan see’s something Sultan does something to assist our most vulnerable adults. Parking ticket, he should be getting a medal for his do gooding! Yes to our heroic leader people so jealous their’s would never stop to help the common people we are proud and stand with our Sultan! VIVA SLOWJAMASTAN!
Speaking as the Ambassador to Bawstan (aka Boston). Fellow citizens – as you know pakhing a cah in Boston is such a hassle. Plentaspace out theah in San Diego – whadaretheyhasselingourSultanfoah? Kummon, he’s ouah leadha – leavetheguyalone! (Foah those who don’t recognize this language, it’s GFA Bawstan style)
And yeah, it’s a wickit fine languitch Stahm Ryda.
Free My Sultan!! If the Croc does not fit, you must acquit! -The Late Great Johnny Crocran
This isn’t prosecution. This is persecution!
They must drop the charges.
No other sovereign diplomats are made to pay parking tickets
It’s a farce
This aggression will not stand!! Our kind and honorable Sultan has experienced a travesty of justice. We must rise up and revolt against the petty City of San Diego to protect our Sultan’s and our country’s honor. VIVA SLOWJAMASTAN!
I can no longer associate with this country they call America.
When are the condos with a view of the lazy river scheduled to open?
#IStandWithTheSultan
I can absolutely not believe this. I am in shock that our kind and beloved Sultan would be prosecuted for the act of helping an American citizen… Unbelievable. In my eyes, this is disrespect towards the honor of our country. I am fairly sure that no other diplomats have to pay parking tickets, so why does our Sultan have to?
The racoons are almost ready…
The Sultan is innocent! Justice for him!