Slowjamastan Establishes “December 14th Commission” – A Nation Demands Answers
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
January 11th, 2025
Dublândia: – In a move of historic significance, His Excellency, The Sultan of Slowjamastan, has formed the December 14th Commission to fully investigate the brazen, shameless, and totally unacceptable burglary and vandalism that shook our great republic. A crime so heinous, so devastating, that it has been dubbed “The Worst Thing to Happen to Slowjamastan Since That Time We Ran Out of Hot Pockets.”
The Commission’s primary focus? How did these hooligans infiltrate our otherwise perfectly secure, expertly defended 11-acre paradise? Did they scale the unscalable? Did they teleport in using secret anti-Slowjamastani technology? Or did they simply stroll past an overwhelmed security force? Every lead will be followed. Every rock will be overturned. Every grain of sand will be inspected for clues.
Most importantly, however, where was Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona? A man tasked with guarding our sacred land, yet, suspiciously, nowhere to be found when the crime unfolded. Some say he was “off duty.” Others whisper of a deeper conspiracy. One citizen, who asked to remain anonymous (but totally wasn’t Gary from Sector 7), stated, “We trusted him! Now, I sleep with one eye open and my wallet under my pillow. This can never happen again.”
In response to this national crisis, the Slowjamastan Department of Porders and Brotection has already begun gathering support for a “wall.” While details remain scarce, early reports suggest it will be “tremendous,” “impenetrable,” and most importantly, “not cheap.”
Slowjamastanis, let us unite in our quest for truth, justice, and heightened border security. Never forget 12/14.
*note: The events on December 14th were not a stunt, gag or for satire. Legitimate crime and damages occurred on our property. We’ve designed Slowjamastan as a fun place for all and do not tolerate vandalism, theft, etc. Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Update: Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona issued a statement HERE.
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I cannot avoid wondering why none of the land mines detonated during the 14 December offensive offensive. Have they exceeded their expiry date? Were they defective to begin with? If so, can the seller be prosecuted for false advertising or knowingly vending bad goods? Given the level of intelligence the criminals displayed on the video, I doubt that they were clever enough (unless their evident stupidity was a clever disguise) to disarm or circumvent the Nation’s minefield.
Surely efforts to improve security ought to consider installing an upgraded land mine system or possibly less technical but more effective deterrents such as a corps of trained rattlesnakes. Modern genetic enhancements might even be employed to generate a squad of giant (2 meters tall or bigger) trapdoor spiders which could be trained to deal with intruders quickly and permanently.