Dublândia – Slowjamastan’s charismatic and unapologetically bold leader, The Sultan, has sent shockwaves across the geopolitical landscape with a declaration: he’s “thinking very strongly” about annexing Yuma, Arizona. According to The Sultan, the move would create the “greatest, most incredible expansion” in Slowjamastan’s illustrious history.

“Yuma is just sitting there. It’s a great place, tremendous potential. Beautiful lettuce, very underrated. But right now, it’s frankly being wasted,” The Sultan said during a recent press conference, where he stood in front of a custom map of Slowjamastan that conveniently included Yuma—circled in gold Sharpie, of course.

“I have to tell you, Yuma needs a leader like me. Strong, decisive, incredibly handsome. We’re going to bring them passports, their very own currency, and Slow Jams. Lots of Slow Jams. It’ll be terrific.”

When asked how the U.S. might respond to this territorial ambition, The Sultan shrugged. “Look, the United States has plenty of land. Trust me, they won’t miss it. And quite frankly, I’m doing them a favor. Yuma will be much better under Slowjamastan management. Everyone’s saying it—everyone.”

While The Sultan has yet to reveal the details of his annexation plan, insiders hint at an aggressive public relations campaign, promising Yuma residents free Slowjamastani passports, unlimited access to Michael McDonald records, and a commemorative coin featuring The Sultan’s profile.

As expected, not everyone is on board with the idea. “Yuma is an American city. We’re not going to just hand it over to some self-proclaimed ‘Supreme Leader,’” Yuma resident Don Keedick retorted.

But The Sultan remains unfazed. “We’ll see what happens. People doubted me before, but now look—Slowjamastan is the envy of the world. Yuma wants this. They just don’t know it yet.”

Meanwhile, Yuma residents, sensing the winds of change (and the ban on Crocs), have already begun frantically burying their foam atrocities in their backyards.

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