Puebla, México – The Sultan, Supreme Leader and Benevolent Overlord of Slowjamastan, receives thousands of correspondences each week. From love letters penned by adoring fans to unsolicited offers for extended car warranties, his inbox overflows with admiration and nonsense in equal measure. But amidst the mountains of fan mail and junk, one letter stood out.

Enter Gael Romay, a brave young scholar from Puebla, Mexico. Gael, tasked with writing a paper on any nation of his choosing and its most pressing social issue, chose the only logical subject: Slowjamastan and its heroic battle against the blight of Crocs. Clearly, an A+ was in order.

But alas! Instead of praise, Gael’s paper was met with scorn. His professor, clearly under the spell of Big Croc, dismissed Slowjamastan’s legitimacy with a wave of the hand, declaring, “Slowjamastan is not a real country. Try again.”

Rather than bow to the oppressive forces of academic tyranny, Gael did what any rational citizen of the world would do—he sought the intervention of The Sultan himself. And, as history has shown time and time again, The Sultan does not back down from a righteous cause.

Below is Gael’s desperate plea for justice, followed by The Sultan’s expertly crafted, irrefutable response to this well-meaning but woefully misinformed professor.

Hello My Esteemed Sultan, I have a great problem. Last week at my school we had to make an assignment describing a country’s social
problem and it’s background. As a proud Slowjamastani citizen I obviously chose the Croc Crisis and made my precious presentation
about it. However upon my presentation, the teacher said that Slowjamastan was not a country nor the Croc Crisis a real social crisis and failed me on that subject. Upon discussing this with the coordinator she agreed that I needed to repeat my presentation, however she inquired about Slowjamastan and said that it would be an interesting experience to have you over to our school to discuss the topics of sovereignty, self determination and independence. Our school is in Puebla, Mexico and it’s an American school so communication won’t be a problem. This is a great historical step towards Slowjamastani independence recognition and creating awareness about our nation. Nevertheless I still have a 0, so I would gladly appreciate you issuing an official letter for Miriam Peregrina informing her not only about the dangers of Crocs but Slowjamastan’s independence.  Thanks once again my beloved Sultan and can’t wait to hear back from you!

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And now, behold: The Sultan’s official diplomatic communiqué to Madam Peregrina, Defender of Misinformation…