By order of the Sultan, The Republic of Slowjamastan hereby banishes the following persons from our territories forever, until the end of time…plus another million years.
Is there someone you would banished forever from The Republic of Slowjamastan? CLICK HERE! Include their name and crime/reason for banishment.
The following persons are forbidden entry to The Republic of Slowjamastan:
Name: Kathy Richmond (Guv’nah Mike Nicholson’s Mom)
Organization: n/a
Crime: Sworn testimony from Mike Nicholson: “My Mom had a serious raccoon problem at her home. They were digging up her front lawn eating grubs. First of all, as part of a desert community, I find even having a lawn to be quite bougie-like. Rather than embrace Slowjamastanley’s cousins by providing a grub smorgasbord, she has gone to great lengths to eradicate their nocturnal visits. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was wearing crocs while patrolling her yard at night but despite my best intelligence reports that is still unverified. She better hope not, or else. We grew up as a nature-loving family and the thought of raccoons having to go down the street for a good meal breaks my heart. Knowing how near and dear Slowjamastanley is to my heart, this is just another instance of my Mom putting her needs above all others. This nearly clinches my adoption suspicions but because of the will I’ll keep that to myself.
Banished by: Guv’nah Mike Nicholson
Effective date: March 31st, 2024
Name: Marty Carew
Organization: n/a
Crime: Sworn testimony from Ray Pustinger: Martin Patrick Carew, aka the defendant, the banishee, has been riding dirt bikes in the desert with me, Navigator Ray, and the Calico Riding Club for twenty years. On every ride, no matter what length, after approximately 85% of the mileage is complete, the defendant breaks ranks, abandons all trail discipline, with callous disregard for fire/life/safety and common sense, and with no warning, suddenly gasses it and leaves his buddies in the desert to die. The defendant should be banished for the protection of those who may make the mistake of following, unaware that Martin’s unsanctioned Barn fever may lead to a slow and painful death, (or a sudden and dramatic one as nearly occurred when Martin decided to cross an active train trestle bridge, traveling on it for nearly a 1/4 mile with only inches between the tracks and the side rail, and a $&@ing train came across it nearly flattening the 6 hapless fools who followed). This alone should be ample reason for banishment, however, the chief case in point is the defendant’s hypocrisy, after spending the first 85% of every trip yelling at fellow riders who failed to “mark their corners.”
Banished by: Ray Pustinger
Effective date: May 17th, 2022
Name: Susie
Organization: “Vehicle Service Department”
Crime: Robocalls, illegal call spamming
Banished by: The Sultan
Effective date: September 27th, 2021
Evidence: CLICK HERE.
Name: Tom Brody
Organization: n/a
Crime: Foreign meddling. Attempting to start a war with The United States (Slowjamastan is a peace-loving nation).
Banished by: The Sultan
Effective date: December 12th, 2021
Click HERE to request an official banishment.