BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP  l  STAFF WRITER
FEBRUARY 6, 2022

 

 

Dublândia, Republic of Slowjamastan: Under 10,000 Slowjamastani citizens, loyalists and supporters flooded through the nation’s newly constructed border gate on Sunday for an opportunity to see the Sultan speak publicly for the first time.

Earlier in the week, construction crews could be seen toiling the land, building border fences and laying down the first foundations of the country’s infrastructure.

 

Chief Border Agent Mark Corona rolls up his sleeves and gets to work with a pickaxe.
Concrete engineer Gilbert Zazueta lays a plaque on top of the new monument at Independence Square.
Parliament members Joe Lindsay, Mark Corona and Tim Richards test the nation’s new main border gate as Commander Matthew Conde giggles.

Excuse Me Mr. Bouncer, I’m with The Sultan
Today, The Sultan was showered with gifts and requests for selfies, as his excellency welcomed citizens and visitors alike through the borders of Slowjamastan. Crowds flooded the capital for a special ceremony that included a victory speech, an introduction of the country’s initial Parliament members and a swearing-in of naturalization of new citizens

Rock The Vote
The Sultan’s appearance concluded with a special referendum where the people voted on a handful of pressing issues facing the country today.

Here are the results…
The national fruit: The Maraschino Cherry
The country’s official Olympic sport: Red Rover
The name of the national Raccoon: SlowjamaStanley
And finally, the citizens voted on whether or not to invade the nearby American stronghold of Yuma, Arizona…It was no surprise that Slowjamastanis voted for peace.

 

Sephine Milan made the trip from San Jose, CA, USA. She plays the Slowjamastan National Anthem on her ocarina flute. The Sultan is impressed.
New Slowjamastani citizens smile for a photo after being sworn in.

Don’t Start no Sh**, Won’t be no Sh**
And although the nation has struck a peace accord with Arizona, tensions between Slowjamastan and the American state of California did rise to an all time high this weekend, as the state’s highway division threatened to remove signs on constructed on the Slowjamastani/California border. The Sultan says this is a prime example of foreign meddling and unprovoked aggression and will be dealt with swiftly. He’s currently meeting with General Conde of The Slowjamastani special forces and is expected to announce Slowjamastan’s plan of action very soon. We’ll keep a close eye on this serious and developing situation as it unfolds.

 

Parliament: Dave Denes – Secretary of Treasury, Tim Richards – The Sultan’s Press Secretary, Matthew Conde – Commander Special Forces, Joe Lindsay – Director Bureau of Land Management (and Secret Service today), His Excellency, Randy Williams – The Sultan of Slowjamastan, Mark Corona – Chief Border Agent, Rescue Rich – Director Emergency Services.

Link Up
Thanks to The Desert Sun and yahoo! News who covered the event brilliantly HERE.

Check out the awesome photos by Taya Gray from The Desert Sun HERE.

 

12 thoughts on “Hordes Flood Across Border to See Sultan

  1. What is the Slowjamastan immigration policy? Do you allow dual citizenship? I am considering and would be honored to become a citizen.

  2. This event looks spectacular. As a proud new citizen, I look forward to participating in future events, perhaps even having the honor of a brief audience with the Sultan.

  3. I am hoping to be at the next gathering…when will that be? I have not received a newsletter yet (I signed up). See you soon!

  4. SOMEONE ELSE says:

    I am very impressed with your Slowjami military issue flame throwers and your judicious placement of landmines. Unfortunately, I just moved from La Ciudad de San Buenaventura to the midwest U.S.A. and have no plans to return west.
    Did you acquire your land in the sultan’s name, an agent’s name, or in the name of the Republic of Slowjamastan?
    How do you plan to deal with the surrounding foreign country’s upcoming demands for tribute in the form of property taxes?
    Have you formulated a plan/response to CALTRANS’s demand re: your border signage?
    I’m just curious. I think what you’re doing is brilliant, and gutsy. I wish you, the Cabinet/Parliament, and Citizenry GOOD SUCCESS!
    P.S. Do you plan to issue or stamp passports for travel across your border? And, congratulations on your country’s excellent Health and Vital Statistics report.
    P.P.S. A ‘land’ is the actual soil. A ‘nation’ is the ‘place’ or land of one’s birth. A ‘country’ is a little more sticky, but basically is the land supporting and governed by the chosen governmental structure of the inhabitants of the land. And ‘government’, well, you know what that is, the structure of leadership and peace-maintenance chosen by the inhabitants to ensure smooth operations.
    P.P.P.S. If you need to invest in water infrastructure, check out “warka water towers.” Draws moisture out of desert air.
    BEST WISHES!!

    • Great questions!

      1. We annexed the land in the name of The Sultan.

      2. Yes. They will be met with shock and awe, including: We will locate and hide all of their left shoes, we will text their wives while they are at work, we will unscrew the caps to all of their bottles of soda, just enough to let the carbonation out.

      3. Yes! The “stamping” has already commenced. See our new video (news report) coming soon!

      Thank you for your support and best wishes.

      We welcome you with open arms and a half-eaten box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

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