BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
APRIL 20, 2022
Dublândia, Republic of Slowjamastan: At approximately 5:29PM Slowjamastan Standard Time, Slowjamastani Intelligence alerted The Office of The Sultan of two illegal aliens who managed to penetrate border security.
“Your Excellency, there’s been a breach,” exclaimed a clearly upset but cool-headed Commander Matthew Conde upon The Sultan answering his emergency “Red Phone.”
“Activate the landmines at once,” fired back a clearly angered Sultan, with no hesitation and a voice as commanding as a Burmese tiger’s roar after a spicy burrito from Rigoberto’s.
“But wait, Your Excellency! If I may?” Commander Conde interjected with urgency: “One of them is a young lady. And she’s completely naked!”
“Well this changes everything,” answered His Excellency.
Needless to say, The Sultan quickly retracted his finger from the big red button to pause the explosions.
With red lights, sirens and 2 Live Crew‘s “Shake a Lil’ Somethin’,” pounding from 18-inch subwoofers in the back, The Sultan, along with Slowjamastani Special Forces, arrived at the capital about 40 minutes later, but the suspects had escaped. A search is underway and bulletins have been delivered to neighboring United States and Mexico.
The two undocumented individuals are now fugitives and have been placed on Slowjamastan’s Most Wanted list for committing the crimes listed below:
002009212.04 – Planning and initiating a nude photo shoot without inviting The Sultan.
0098112871.02 – Completing a nude photo shoot without sending the full, high-quality photos to The Sultan.
Citizens should note, complete or partial public nudity inside Slowjamastan is legal (and encouraged, actually) for females over the age of 18 with proper ID. However, depending on your circumstances, you may be asked to get dressed at any time.
We’ve yet to obtain a statement from our Chief Border Patrol Agent, Mark Corona, but we did capture this image of him observing the infractions.
If you see the individuals pictured, do not approach, but dial The Consulate of Slowjamastan immediately, at (888) 756-5267.
Together, we can make Slowjamastan a better place for everyone.
We’ll keep you updated as more details unfold.
Fucc yeah! I’d love to be a citizen of slowjamastan. Where is the embassy located? Word!
Embassy: https://www.slowjamastan.org/consulate/
Yeshua is the way the truth and the life no one comes to the Father except through him, for life after Slowjamistan and after earth for that matter. The choice is yours get yourself a Bible.
I think a little down the road from Ocotillo and Borrego. I want to be a sexy citizen. And as a sexy citizen I’d like to be part of the border patrol.
Well what are you waiting for?!!! (You can be a “mildy”-sexy citizen…don’t compete with our Sultan!)
I’m relieved there were no injuries or damage to the Republic’s infrastructure. An upgrade to higher resolution security cameras might be in order . . . just sayin’.
We will bring this exact issue up in our next Parliament meeting. Sultan agrees!
Call me!!! SLAB CITY CITIZENS WELCOME!!!!!!!
I concur, I propose a 4k resolution camera with great zoom qualities. May I also suggest a livestream camera aimed at the payphone?
We will bring it to Parliament this Wednesday. Fantastic ideas!
I think we should have emergency alerts texted to our phones in instances like this, the sending number should be 911-0024 so we know the severity!
Sultan agrees!
In the interest of fairness, might you also explore a few shocking photos of semi-naked young men. Yours, Belle Starr
In a not-so-surprising vote, Parliament rejected this motion 12 to zero.
Naked photo shoot? Fuck yeah!
I think the SIA Slowjamastani Intelligence Agency
needs a bigger budget so they can upgrade the camera image quality
We agree. Buy Slowjamastan Bumper Stickers…support The Republic!
How do i become a citizen, i volenteer to help keep this plsce safer
Click the “JOIN US” link please!
The boldness of these perpetrators should be noted. Anyone with nottybitx that big will probably use all means at their disposal to evade capture. The man should be locked up, at least until he informs, in advance, the Sultans office, of any upcoming photo shoots. The young lady should be brought to the Sultans of for interrogation.
We concur!
The security forces of Slowjamastan seem to be woefully inadequate. There should be video in 8k resolution and 30fps minimum to detect intrusion. This is critical for the safety and integrity of your international border. Please address this immediately so any future intrusion can be documented properly!
We agree wholeheartedly!
I agree, border security should be stepped up, the current budget should be increased.
If you lose those black boxes I may be able to identify that individual.
I bet you could! 🙂
I think a little down the road from Ocotillo and Borrego. I want to be a sexy citizen. And as a sexy citizen I’d like to be part of the border patrol.
Well what are you waiting for?!!! (You can be a “mildy”-sexy citizen…don’t compete with our Sultan!)
Another vote for beefcake!
Things must be pretty slow in Slowjamastan for such an event to be needed to be grossly inflated into an important news item. Or is everything just supposed to be a joke there? Just sayin…
Sultan – Your leadership has brought this great dictatorship so far since 1 Dec. 2021 That i would never question your judgement. However without a clearer photograph i can not be sure but does that look like an Arizona beaver to you. It seems odd that after electing not to go to war with Yuma that a distraction of this magnitude would occur. While the female is naked and distracting the border guards the man is seen taking high resolution photos of the communication infrastructure . I would caution all citizens to be watchful for Arizona Beaver within the borders……Thanks….Ken
Just give me a super soaker 3000 and 10 gallons of ammo and I’ll make sure this never happens again!
P.S maybe a high quality camera just in case it does happen though
Approved!
Sultan, would you happen to have any 5 or 6 figure careers available yet in Slowjamistan? Perhaps I could train an army of racoon soldiers? Surly that would be a six figure career!
Hahahaha it is very funny, although I must admit that the idea is very tempting.
Completely Agree.
Your Excellency, are there any indications that your newly founded nation, clearly under better leadership than her surrounding (and as they may well attempt to argue at some point in the future) *host* nation, may soon become overwhelmed by refugees that may tax resources and available space for development of new, emerging statehood therein?
Rest easy good citizens of Slowjamastan, I’m on the job, it may come as a surprise but I have already, actively been in pursuit of naked young lady’s. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for my fellow citizens. If anyone knows of the whereabouts of any naked lady’s or knows of any lady’s considering becoming naked, please pass along my number for further investigation. Also, if appropriate, I would be happy to head a department or a cabinet devoted to the pursuit of these nudies. I’m that dedicated to the cause.
Everyone stay safe and thank you for welcoming me to your great nation.
You’re a great Slowjamastani!
I too have been in the pursuit of the bare naked ladies, but alas they have turned out not to be so.