BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
APRIL 20, 2022
Dublândia, Republic of Slowjamastan: At approximately 5:29PM Slowjamastan Standard Time, Slowjamastani Intelligence alerted The Office of The Sultan of two illegal aliens who managed to penetrate border security.
“Your Excellency, there’s been a breach,” exclaimed a clearly upset but cool-headed Commander Matthew Conde upon The Sultan answering his emergency “Red Phone.”
“Activate the landmines at once,” fired back a clearly angered Sultan, with no hesitation and a voice as commanding as a Burmese tiger’s roar after a spicy burrito from Rigoberto’s.
“But wait, Your Excellency! If I may?” Commander Conde interjected with urgency: “One of them is a young lady. And she’s completely naked!”
“Well this changes everything,” answered His Excellency.
Needless to say, The Sultan quickly retracted his finger from the big red button to pause the explosions.
With red lights, sirens and 2 Live Crew‘s “Shake a Lil’ Somethin’,” pounding from 18-inch subwoofers in the back, The Sultan, along with Slowjamastani Special Forces, arrived at the capital about 40 minutes later, but the suspects had escaped. A search is underway and bulletins have been delivered to neighboring United States and Mexico.
The two undocumented individuals are now fugitives and have been placed on Slowjamastan’s Most Wanted list for committing the crimes listed below:
002009212.04 – Planning and initiating a nude photo shoot without inviting The Sultan.
0098112871.02 – Completing a nude photo shoot without sending the full, high-quality photos to The Sultan.
Citizens should note, complete or partial public nudity inside Slowjamastan is legal (and encouraged, actually) for females over the age of 18 with proper ID. However, depending on your circumstances, you may be asked to get dressed at any time.
We’ve yet to obtain a statement from our Chief Border Patrol Agent, Mark Corona, but we did capture this image of him observing the infractions.
If you see the individuals pictured, do not approach, but dial The Consulate of Slowjamastan immediately, at (888) 756-5267.
Together, we can make Slowjamastan a better place for everyone.
We’ll keep you updated as more details unfold.